Haven't really felt like posting photos lately
follow my personal tumblr for that kind of thing
sleepinglauren.tumblr.com :) 

I will not wait for you, no, I'll never wait for you to be the person you promised to me. And no, you'll never see how much better off I am without you next to me

"How many people in this world are like me?" From a distance we look much the same, wondering if cold is the absence of something because I've felt this forever. After awhile, you learn that everything stops. We're aging and we all die alone. The constant tick tock of lifeless irritates. We're all so fucking dead.

So what the fuck have you got when you're dropping my name like it's so damn hot? Talk and talk and talk again about how much better it was back then. Well get out, fighting is never worth it unless something is worth dying for. Now you're asking me what I fucking stand for?

These are the days we won't forget. Everything that we've been through and yet to fall. Through it all, I'll fucking stand by you.

I've heard this all before. Lose yourself in your misery. Don't fucking tell me that it kills you and refuse to change. It's time to point the finger at you and mistakes you've made. The cold sound of footsteps leaving and doors closing reminds me of you.

I'd rather die than listen to you. You've got no game, your time is up. You're looking tired, try something new. You've got no fucking game bitch, try something new.

I remember you walking out the door about a year to give it up all for a shot in the dark. Life is plagued with hours of meaningless work. The mistakes I've made I must live with but at this point, I'm not sure how long that'll be.

Went to dad's closet, I picked up his .45. Grabbed 3 boxes of bullets, and on my hip they shall reside. Until I opened the gym doors, you should have seen those fucks run. I poured out a full clip in their backs I got some. I've finally found my smile, it's pure and blood stained. So who's the bitch now? I'll paint the lockers with your brains

The NYPD ain't got shit on me, no rest, no rest, no rest, no fucking arrests. I'll paint this town blood red tonight. Erase this scum from my fucking sight.

This is for the pills that never fuckin work
But it's hard to see blood on a black tshirt  

Well I'd rather have my eyes sewn shut than see all the shit that we've done. And I'd rather be deaf, dumb and blind than pledge allegiance to a man of your kind. You put words in my mouth, I'd like to put a bullet in yours.

A gift from god doing the devil's crimes. I set shit right, one whore at a time. A gift from god doing the devil's crimes, I'll carve these bitches one slice at a time. You'd better catch me before I have my fun

Just walk away, bitch
You're fucked up now
Before I drop you 

This is a point of view, it's doing nothing for you. I don't care if you stare, it's not that complimentary. I'm where I need to be, is that hard for you to see? What once was better for you is better for me

That's what I said baby, it's where it's at, baby. I'll wear a smile when I stab you in the back, baby. So watch your step kid, protect your neck kid. And if you're lucky, they won't find you fucking dead.

Fuck an apology,
I'm not sorry for anything 

Sometimes someone controls everything about you and when they tell you that they just can't live without you, they ain't lyin', they'll take pieces of you. And they'll stand right above you and walk away. That's right, and take part of you with them

Who's jealous? Who's jealous of who? If I get busy then I couldn't care less what you do. But when I'm by myself, I think of nothing else than if a boy just might be getting through and touching you

My temper got the best of me and when I said that I mean I know every single thing that I said was true. And I know you're mad at me but if you're thinking like that, I think you'll see that you're mad at you too

And who the hell's impressed by you? I want names of the people that we know that are falling for this

And I know the feeling's strong, strong enough to forget about all that I've been through. And it sounds obscene but loud words never bothered me like they do to you.

Cause now I'm acting crazy, I'm out here calling you baby. I shouldn't have let you hit that cause now I can't forget that. I thought I wouldn't really give a fuck

And I know that I can't defeat you. Yeah, you don't worry now, I ain't going to preach to you. Well, there you go. But I'll be going right there with you. Yeah, wherever you'll be, you'll be lookin' at me

Well upstairs, upstaged and upset. Keeping quiet is probably my best bet yet. Cause I ain't managed to say the right thing yet. Well I guess I should go back to bed

Well okay, so you fell asleep today. What's funny to me though is that you did that yesterday. You must think I'm mad to do all the things that I don't need to do. But while you're laughin' at me, well, I'll be laughin' at you

I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave. I'm bad news baby, the truth is that I don't know, so I'll say it has nothing to do with you, everything to do with me

I heard you. I'm sorry, you need to go.
When we wake up is when we break up.
If I hurt you, I'm sorry.

But she is out of my reach forever. And just a week ago she lied next to me. It's so ironic how I had to lose just to see that I failed to love you. And you're taking it out tonight

Here's my neglection to the lost cause of a dying affection. Our cause and effect should not be exposed in the shape of reflections. We will always stand tall.

And can you forgive me for dressing you up, dressing you down, fucking you up, bringing you down? And I won't feel guilty at all when I'm done

It is my right to remain silent. Anything I say will be used against me. This is payback for all my crimes. I will have you biting your knuckles, I will be there gritting my teeth

When was the last time I saw your face, the true one that's hidden these days? But Godspeed, because we all know you're always in control. Can you see? Because I'm sure as hell you can't speak.

Are you kidding me? Because you've got to be joking on a night like tonight especially. I sense distaste, but I was never great at reading your face. I'm not a fucking trophy, but to you, I might as well have been

This isn't the fix that I need. She's got her teeth stuck in me. So she strikes and she bites. Your bark is worse than your bite. Have I struck a nerve?

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories. If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all...

Don't even ask how I've been, there's no you in existence. Go your way, I'll go my way. And you keep going until there's no one to violate. And I'm gonna remember your last impression. Thanks for that lesson.

I'd like to think that you're worth my time but you embody everything that I hate. Take a good hard look at what you see. I've lost all my hope and all my faith cause when I barely fuck up, you just recoil and weep. What do you want from me? I'm just a kid who got in too deep. My walls are built up high forever bound to be steep, I've got a bird's eyes view of all the secrets you keep

I couldn't say I'd had enough. I just had some back luck for a couple of years. And if you're looking for a reason to hate me, well, go ahead. I couldn't save you when I needed the time alone. Stay if you can and leave in the morning.

Did I make the most of every day? And did I give not to receive? Are there any other words to express the full extent of my grief?

Put yourself in my place for just one day; watch all the colors in your spectrum fade grey. More aware than ever that I might never be calm again. And it shakes every fucking bone trying to do the right thing on my own. So I'll let the ink tell you how I've come to grips with all of this

Some things you'll do for money, and some you'll do for fun, but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you, one by one.

If you cut out scheduled time, you'll find peace of mind. Trust me, it's worth your weight in gold. If you think you're fine, go ahead, follow that line. At least none of my friends do what they're told by what they're sold.

fuck stress, have sex
and i do that shit the best 

"I'm feeling this sort of slow stripping of my mind, like the layers of an onion. I'm starting to see through all these little structures that have been imposed on me by society that tell me how I'm supposed to view my life and the world. What I'm supposed to find to be important and what is not. Sometimes you see through so much of it that you feel like you're just a leaf blowing in the wind."

Everything changes when the lights in the room are as low as you, but don't trip, you'll sober up soon. Regain an honest perspective as you puke on the floor

I owe a lot to you, my dear, you are a friend. You care enough to listen and to understand. There are so many means to many different ends/

You could be happy and I won't know. But you weren't happy the day I watched you go. Most of what I remember makes me sure, I should have stopped you from walking out the door. You could be happy, I hope you are. You made me happier than I'd been by far.

... And you seem so bruised and it's beautiful as it's reflecting off from you as it shines. And you're in the bathroom, carving holiday designs into yourself, hoping no one will find you but they found you and they took you and you somehow survived... 

Cause there ain't nothing like your smile, your legs and those eyes. And I will beg and steal and borrow to keep you safe your whole life. 

Is it strange that I can't imagine myself being over thirty? I really can't see myself at all. I know some people have their lives mapped out but I can't even fathom life after being thirty. That's kind of worrying me, just because it ties into me having no real direction in life and no future plans, just spur of the moment things. I can drive myself crazy.

Show myself how to make a noose, a gun's cliche and a razor too. I'm not a death share vacation, vacant station. Made of scars and filled with my old wounds

You're a little pistol and I'm fucking pistol whipped. When I undo my belt, you melt and you walk away with a red, red, red welt

You look so pretty when you cry. Don't wanna hit you but the only thing between our love is a bloody nose, a busted lip and a blackened eye.

The day they covered us in the dirt
Like stars in the ground
that will grow into dead flowers 

You've got your Hell's teeth smiling at you. It keeps your brain safe, as it eats at your face. And don't worry, we'll blur it out and no one ever will know. Oh, no, oh, oh oh. This is my beautiful show and everything is shot in slow motion

I'm not man enough to be human but I'm trying to fit in. And I'm learning to fake it. Don't ever meet their friends. It tells you too much, or not enough. Or worse, exactly the wrong thing. Every nuance, every detail, every movement, every smell, sound, phrase, The way she laughs: these are the things that you obsessively fetishize or make yourself grow to love. But you are supposed to be done growing. She is still growing. It's like a garden with two flowers. One just blooming and casting a shadow, just like yours. Then it becomes struggle of sunlight, or rain, or weeds. She and every she is doomed to be your idea of her.

You don't have what it takes. We don't need your faith
We've got fucking fate 

Disengaged, you're with me, against me, but the only thing forever is hate. I forget what I saw before and after that day. I'd trade all I was worth to make myself into the handsomest gun and put the diamond bullet into your face.

this is what you should fear
you are what you should fear 

"The law, alone and aloof by it's very nature, has no access to the emotions that might justify murder." Marquis de Sade

I don't ever want god to hear our screams and mistake them for prayers. And you know I'm loaded, but not which chamber. Touch me and I'll go click click click click click

"Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, that signifies nothing."

You, you know you gotta assert yourself, leave what you need for now. It's not the time or place you're searching for. All I can give is my worst of intentions. You're nothing to me and everyone can see that your life's a lie. There's nowhere left to hide.

The thought of working in an office isn't great, but unless you taste for crime, that'll be your fate. Unless you got a dream, but is it worth the wait? Cause if you get some time alone you'll wonder, you can't escape

I can be the one that you believe in. I can be the liar in your bed. I'll be the suck for your solution. Tell me that your sex isn't dead.

Sacrifice won't suffice. Resurrection needs your death to happen twice. Fall on my heart and burn and forge your tortured black smitten into the sharpest fucking sword. Don't assume that I'm always with you, it's just where my mortal body happens to be. 

I'm tired of taking the blame for things I can't control. I'm really sick of being the verbal punching bag. I do the best I can and it's never enough. Even when it is enough, it stops mattering when the person's life starts going wrong. It's becoming too much for me to shoulder the blame for things.

Please allow me to bring you up to speed. Oh man, it's amazing how you don't see you'd still complain if the rope on your noose was frayed.

And everyone has something awful to say, just try not to pay attention, they're all fucked up anyway. And remember that it's okay if we don't see eye to eye today, cause I'll be there for you tomorrow.

An ounce of pleasure and an ounce of pain weigh the same.

And with a smile going sideways, I can't forget where you're from. You'll want to talk to me tonight but will you want to talk tomorrow? Well, I'm sorry that I didn't want what you wanted. It was supposed to be our year; took a long time to come. But I'm sadly admitting that smiles and first impressions aren't holding up.

Today I'm so unbelievably helpless against the pit in my stomach, I couldn't begin to shake off. So in the back of my mind, my brain has rendered me silent which not a soul around me could understand.

It's somewhere between upset and sick it seems, to still find me the finest quality of pure anxiety. I'm searching for the solace to call you out. To call you at all.

Life gets in the way of living and interrupts the could of, would of, should of that I ask myself each day where I've spent my time and how I'm spending it and if I'm simply wasting it away.

Don't put me on a pedestal. I'm just as scared as everyone and just as fucked as the rest of you.

Risk lays the foundation of my destiny, and if it crumbles, at least I know I tried. I can stand on that instead of questioning why.

Every so often, I need my senses checked
When I have the strength to crawl into your bed,
I'll change my plans instead. 

"Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics. You are all stardust. You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded, because the elements – the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life – weren't created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of the stars and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget God. The stars died so that you could be here today."

Your lack of confidence is not a right to verbally abuse.

It goes one for the cannabis, and two for your dianetics, three for your reasoning, and four for those that try to get it, five for your love, and six for the stress and seven for the day that I climbed into this mess.

And if I did have a choice, I'd never want to live forever. Just let me have a voice so I can make my points. I can't imagine running a race with no finish line. Just let me keep my pace and make to most of my time. I love giving but I'm bad at receiving. The truth is, I'd prefer to be the one bleeding. But I'm a paranoid that stays between play and work. Cautious and aware cause I'm afraid of being hurt. Which brings me to the issue and that would be this: How often must I ask myself why I exist? I feel like a freak, this world is a circus, just trying to find myself as well as my purpose.

Should've known better not to fuck with you. Ain't got nothin' but too much to lose. Lost in the rush, don't know what to do. That drug got you like I want you.

Envy can make a motherfucker immature
So could boredom, a buzz, or the curse of being insecure  

There's good and evil in each individual fire, identities needs and feeds our desires. As long as we keep our spirit inspired, she can bite her bottom lip all she wants.

You don't need to know what's wrong with me, unless you think you're gonna come home with me

She knows he'll shut the fuck up if she's exposed. As the clothes drop, so does the conversation. Again, people buckle under temptation. And the love is always needed after fighting. Thank you, I love you, crazy exciting.

"You could tell me how hard you had it and you could show me all the scars to back it."

It's not that tragic, it's not a shame. You're not the hunted, you're not the aim. You're just another dog with hunger pangs. I was so afraid that you'd become the game, I forgot to worry about what you became.

I won't trust you again. Gettin' better at choosin' friends. This time the loser wins, cause I learned how to cut off the looser ends.

Want to make a smile? Want to make a laugh? Want to make up for the mistakes in the past? Want to act like he doesn't know better? If payback's a bitch, he'll be in debt forever. Insecure, impatient, temporary gratification, self validation; that's what it's made of, it's all true. And it's the only reason that he's even talking to you.

Since we went our separate paths I've hit a couple snags that remind me of the past. I can't front, I'm havin' a blast, but damned if I ain't afraid of how long it's gonna last.

You see me at my lowest moments, You gave me sight when I had broken focus with a smile that opens up like a rose does, even when it all felt so fucking hopeless.

A lot of love, a lot of hate and a little bit of great sex. Self learning in between the self loathing. Strangled in a cycle, can't feel yourself choking

I never told you this but I wish you the best, success and all that other shit. You have yourself a nice day. Let's not make this into an issue, but the truth is, I don't miss you.

And when you left, I didn't see it coming. I guess I slept, it ain't like you were runnin'. You crept out the front door slow and I was so self absorbed I didn't even know. And by the time I looked up, it was booked up. Put it all behind you, the bad and the good stuff. A whole house full of dreams and steps. I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept. You disappeared but the history is still here. It's why I try not to cry over spilt beer. I can't even get mad that you're gone. Leavin' me was probably the best thing you ever taught me.

"As much as I love her, neither one of us should suffer. So I'm gonna glue both the wings back on and watch her flutter. Go fly, butterfly."

Hunger, onward, with my desires. Learned the hard way not to play with fire. From a comfortable distance, I'll admire because I got to take a break, I'm exhausted, I'm tired.

I might be dying sooner when I fight these nightly tumors. I assume it's likely to in times in spite my dicey psyche. You know the drill, bite me. Screwdrivers to get me railed until I'm hammered enough to fall asleep on beds of nails.

I can't sleep tonight, I'm up by the light of the moon in my empty room and it's one day since you ran away, and it's one day since I went insane, so I drink beer to erase your face and I medicate to escape this place, and I can't sleep in a world of pain cause nothing seems the same.

I've seen friends bow to needles, I've seen needles bow to records. I've seen boughs break. I've seen God bow and make the clouds shake. I've seen the proud break. I've seen a lot a blind soldier. 

I'm sure you got a great theory, if I'm hunting something or it's haunting me, but I know there ain't no right way to measure the globe.

My blood is thicker than liquor, your skin is thinner than money. I've seen a ghost in every picture you've taken. This love is hidden in scripture, my pen is splintered and bloody. I hear a ghost in every record I'm making.

Searching for bliss, with the razor over my wrist
Needing a job but the drug test's checkin my piss

The truth comes out, but it starts at the center. The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. The heart's made of matter you can't measure. That matters beyond measure like light when it travels in the dark.

Now I'm drinkin' out the bottle, smokin' mary jane, I took a couple pills, I can feel 'em in my veins. There's nothing that dope about doin' cocaine and all I ever wanted was to feel no pain, to kill that pain.

Why do we play each other like it's just a game when we got the same heart, same feelings, same brains, same thoughts, same joys, same pain, but we act like we're different just cause we got different names

Come and see me soon
Let's do more than just catch up
We're all we have 

I don't believe in god, but I do believe in love and I know that it's enough to be keeping me above, from all the things that keep me down.

I'll shut my mouth, I know you're never wrong. I'm always late. But I'll do my best to come off kind of strong and worth the wait. It's in my blood and my body, I never sleep without thinking about the day. Too much to lay like I'm getting rest, so my worries stay. Tomorrow is tomorrow either way.

"And we both got laid like concrete and we fought like soldiers, but we died, we died like flies."

And come what may, I'll still be here. Needing you, and I know you need this too. This heart, this heart of mine has seen so many things and I know that they were untrue, but I've never doubted you. So please, please don't take for granted what we have achieved. Know that you are my everything, there is no me without you. And come what may, I'll still be here, love every moment, cherish every second I have with you. You'll never walk alone, I'll never leave your side.

This is a time of growth for those that know, and it's a time of hope for those that don't. But if your mind is open, you'll get shown.

Because I need to say it out loud to feel right, you listen to me whisper it, my lips graze your ear with every line. And you memorize every word, just as I say it. Press into me, leave marks in my side, and I promise to pull you in until my knuckles go white. 

Sadly I know some things are worse than being alone. But this empty seat beside me never fails to remind me and I know some things are worse than being alone. But I just wanted to know, won't you come back home?

I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way. All I'm saying is the only way to live is the one that makes you happy. Cause 20 something seems a little young to give up everything you love. This is a chance we'd be more foolish to pass up

your negativity just makes me feel better about myself

Two years went by so quickly and now you are a perfect stranger to me. With a familiar face I don't see around this place, ever since the day you disappeared.

They call me typical as if they know what's on my mind. I'm far from cynical, so forgive me for knowing that you're not worth my time. I don't believe that anyone or anything is meant to be and I pray that I'm not right.

I always wondered what the night says to the dawn,
do they acknowledge their failure as they hand off power to the sun? 

I realize now there's a reason why you two have never left. There's nowhere else to go and we're not so scared to death of what comes next.

So quit while you're ahead, keep it to yourself, forget everything I said. I won't come around.

Do you feel the sun coming from your screen? Does it warm you? Does it cheer you? Do you love all those kids you'll never meet? Are they awesome? Or are they just like you? Are you still there behind those eyes or have we lost you? Are you gone for good? STEP THE FUCK OUTSIDE

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

Learn from this prehistoric dance and refrain from talking, it solves all problems. Medicated could do some good or find a way to relate or just shut up

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing... Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in cause I got time while she got freedom, cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Years from now, we'll only say we were never friends,
No words I have left to say except I hope
to see you again someday.  

Best friends this will never end, I keep telling myself but I cannot pretend that we don't have something here. Best friends twisted at the ends, I can try to hide but I must defend myself from you

Failure is a feeling that nothing I could ever do would mean a goddamn thing to you.

Right now let's just face the facts. You're worthless with your senseless sex. I just pay your words no mind, you're tangled up in talk. You've always been a waste of time, I'd better watch the clock. 

I know that you've been hurt but in the end I'd like to say it's worth all the things that we did.

You fail to feel time affect you. And I don't think you're confusing refusal to heal with all your selfishness singing, "I know how you feel."

I miss everything that made me hurt, and I miss giving you the attention you didn't deserve. And I'm just making more mistakes, everything I touch seems to break. Except you, you're invincible and I'm not and I just feel like the one that you forgot

And it's too much to take and so I say to myself, 'I never told you that I loved you because I don't.' See how strange I can seem? Did I ever tell you about that one dream? Look, there we are, where we used to be. Of all things I will soon grow tired. Don't stop by; no, you don't have to be around tonight if you're feeling like it. Stand out in the hallway, fall into my arms because I want you. Can't you tell at all?

Maybe it's better that you are how you are and it's something like you that has me falling apart. While I'm pressed into you in the back of your car, with your keys digging into your side. Reminds you of the time collecting interest. And no, I don't remember anyone I haven't seen for years. I don't remember being anywhere but here/

I saw maybe something you could lust for in a tired way. Almost like a brother laying with you in a quiet place. I saw something so good I ought to celebrate my love for only you, so I do.

You don't say I don't stand too close because I never learned how to act right. You'll go looking for an excuse to feel sad or confused, when all you want to do is let them all feel abuse.

I lay awake now, I entertain my plans to one day miraculously be talkative and likable, to wake up as someone else, someone I know is inside of me, just waiting to be put to use by something much more sharp than us. They pry out every fucking piece and still, they're coming around again

Just deal the cards and hope that you get aces. And when you play your hand, put on your poker faces. Cause life just don't deal aces. You may have to bluff sometimes.

I'm obsessed with your self righteousness cut in half by your smile. Into the night, you're getting harder to believe in. You're a cold and quiet paradise transfixed just by your breathing, into the night. And you're the one thing I don't hate. You're a cold and quiet paradise, my only true escape into the night.

There's comfort in the knowledge I have reconciled. Keeping count of the briefs that I have filed. I'm one of the downcast and I don't want this to last

"I'm gonna try to tell you how they get you in another way. They tell you that there's something wrong with you, that you need their drugs, but there ain't nothing fucking wrong with you. They bein' thugs, they sell drugs and commercials at the same time. Lock a motherfucker up for the same crime."

I don't worry anymore about what my friends do, I have a more urgent matter to attend to. Is there something there bigger when I die and vanish? That weaves everyone and everything into a canvas?

"The greatest form of control is when you think you're free when you're being fundamentally manipulated and dictated to. One form of dictatorship is being in a prison cell and you can see the bars and touch them. The other one is sitting in a prison cell but you can't see the bars but you think you're free. What the human race is suffering from is mass hypnosis."

What we had was beautiful
But those were yesterdays
And the fact of the matter is
That's okay 

And that's that. Nightfall calls the walls back and colors the covers black and I couldn't be more happy with  that. A place for me and mine, under the same sky, our time

There's something so comforting about her uncertain arms, 
There's beauty in danger, safety in harm 

And I tried to pretend that everything was fine but my soul couldn't rest until vengeance was mine. I thought that's what I wanted until the problem was confronted, now I'm haunted by remorse that I wish I hadn't done it.

Beware of the beast man, for he is the devils pawn, alone among gods primates, he kills for sport, or lust, or greed.

I'm sorry I haven't seemed so strong. Through a blanket of arguing, you'll see; it's not you, it's me. It's a list of excuses a mile long. But the bottom line is, I need out of this tired apartment, creating resentment and driving us apart.

I know people don't comment much here anymore, hardly at all, actually. I remember when I used to get at least 5+ comments a fuckin entry, haha. I don't expect that but if you want to say hello, feel free!:)

Don't hide from your true nature as a single celled molecule, never learning how to split until someone follows you. Being a teacher, same as being a leader. It's just your ego bleeding and you don't even need it either. It just stops you from actually progressing. It keeps you from seeing how everything was connecting. And it does the same to me cause most of the time when I refer to you, I'm actually referring to me. And furthermore, what's overdue is an apology for all the lies I told. I don't really lie that much, but when I do, I know. It cuts me to the bone even if it's just a little white lie, looking inside the night sky, frightened of the look in your eyes. You know, it doesn't even have to make sense anymore. It's just me trying to get through these walls and doors. I've been tall before but I've been so small much more

I like you so much, I love you, but I hate us. 
Stay up late if you can stomach it 

I will tell you that I love to touch you, I will tell you that I'll never be above you. I will tell you that all the scuffs and bruises that are on you are also on me.

"You look at Mother Nature and now you're laughing cause it's the only thing you can do to stop being a psychopath."

And we'll walk and the shadows won't seem that deep. The shadows won't come up when we're asleep. The shadows weep for me no more cause I'm leaving all the fucking graveyards behind. And I'm polishing up my mind. And I'm leaving you with one thing to know: I'm yours, you're mine. And if the world doesn't know, that's fine. We decide.

I love you, don't you ever fucking question that

We know each other a lot but I bet we could know each other a bit better. It's only one year of pressure, we can make it with more effort. I let hurt build up in my body until I breathe it out, then I can see without my own strains, my own conditions, my own picture frames I wish the both of us could silently sit in. My own submission, my own forbidden, ungiving. That's where I start to search but it hurts if you don't come first.

cause you look like, what i feel like, when i'm with you.

It feels really safe but that's only because it's right now. It feels really safe but that's only because it's right now. And how did I get so lost, how did I get stuck inside of these fucking stupid thoughts? Now we're stuck in the same extinction. And I can see the pain in your brain while you're thinking.

"I'ma kill everybody and just to prove that I ain't bullshitting, I'ma start with me first."

I stopped my anger. I thought to thank her but didn't know exactly how to say I love you. Because sometimes it's too hard. I have my own feelings, I have my own guards. What is it for? I don't know, but I'm a human and such defense mechanisms, sentences, wisdom and my crutches. So I hold em in, smoke em in quick. But you need to know it was that bliss, it was that bliss that dropped on my head.

I'll make him smile for the fact that he needs it. I'll make him smile just so I could kill it and eat it.

No two week notification. Show up late and quit today. Nobody wants an awful boss that got you poppin' out the top of your mouth as if it's common talk. You ought to wait until you off the clock and appreciate the fact that you got a job.

Hello ma'am, would you be interested in some sexual positions and emotional investments? See, i'm not insane, in fact, I'm kind of rational.

I'll make you smile for the simple fact I'm good at it
I'll make you smile just so I could sit and look at it. 

And when you acted up, best believe I blessed you back. I've got a fucking fan base that can attest to that.

Everyday can't be the best day... do what you can right now, don't hesitate. That's why we try to make love and get paid. Take the bad with the good, now let's play.

Inspiration stems from love and stress compounding.

Ex boyfriends with benefits, whiskey binges and stimulated sedatives. Sky high on the floor of your closet, thinking about life and how it tastes like garbage.

we pray for dollars and work for change. It's all the same, we all struggle. Sometimes you gotta say fuck you.

It ain't how you die, it's how you breathe. It ain't what you take, it's leave and conceive. What you got is nothing if your soul don't represent it. Present it, it ain't where you from, it's where you been, kid.

"With a smile that opens up like a rose does,
Even when it feels so fucking hopeless." 

Was that you? Looked just like you. Strange things my imagination might do. Take a breath, reflect on what we've been through. Or am I just going crazy cause I miss you?

The problem with me is that I think too much, relying on this pen and this ink too much and I do too much

When they said this world was ours, felt like we got body and soul,
they think they had a cure for pain... Biggest lie they ever told.

I pushed when I should have pulled, took it all back if I could, I put that on my soul.

I know there's gotta be something kickin' your bruises. How's the love? How's the music? How's the self abusiveness? Got a lot to lose, it's breakin' your shoulders. So you let your paranoia place your bets for you

The world keeps a balance, through mathematics
Defined by whatever you've added and subtracted 

So now I keep a close eye on my pets, because they make most of them moves off of instinct and sense. It's eat, sleep, fuck and self defense. So straight you can set your clocks and place bets

Stop trying to prove
stop trying to be, stop trying to do
just be proof, do, and exist. 

My heart longs for you when I'm gone from you. Just cause I'm not all up under you don't mean I don't love you.

That voice, that voice is my constant awakening on the hour. Every hour I spring to a 90 degree angle in a cold sweat, returning to that not so comfortable self esteem. It's next to nothing. Nonexistent security tugs at my soul and makes me think more about my self worth. I splash water on my face to try and wash away my disconnections. This infection is killing me slowly, slip back in my slumber only to hear it once again.

All I want is a little more security, a little more safety, a lot less uncertainty 

When I get this high, my head becomes a hospital. Voices bitching and bickering, complaining that they sick and injured, bleeding and hungry. Give me my tourniquets. 

"You don't give money to the bums on the corner with a sign, bleeding from their gums. Talking about you don't support a crackhead. What you think happens to the money from your taxes?"

Never mind what I see in you, grow because you're beautiful, not because I need you to.

Can you tell me, what language do you laugh in? The human reaction of smiles and cries, what language are the tears when they're falling from your eyes? You've probably seen the sunrise hundreds of times, but let a painter paint it or a poet describe.

I'm a self centered piece of shit
Stomped down hypocrite
Trying to get a grip on it, but now I got to live with it 

The music might stop but the party's not over. You my lucky star, I'm your four leaf clover. Baby, any time you need me, you know I'll be around.

I consider myself blessed when I think, floating up above the majority makes others look like they sink

You can't have real hope unless you are intimate with tragedy because tragedy is what makes hope possible. Without tragedy, you don't have hope, you have blind optimism or cheap optimism. And that's no good. I believe in hope. Those are the years that make us who we are.

But when I saw you, I sort of knew I had to talk to you. And nothing in my arsenal seemed possible so I called an audible. Serve you? I'm honored to. I didn't mean to bother you, I just want to watch a few moments of your life much like a fly on a wall would do. Never mind me, the light from your unusually bright shine blinded me so that was all I could see. I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I'll just leave, pardon me, I'll just take this little broken heart and leave.

The iron in my blood reminds me that I'm still a piece of the big bang. I just don't feel that way.

So you say I've got a fucked up aura
You just remain innocent, I've fucked up for ya 

There's a certain type of glow that emanates off the authentic that a fake could never imitate. He thought his outstretched hand might conceal his hate. Never knew his eyes were the windows to his real estate. I'll gladly be the mirror that you hate to crush every debate; why the fuck you're never great. You'll still be the same irrelevant bitch.

You can fight it and draw the difference between us, cause the blood doesn't match, but the goddamn disease does.

I'm so beautifully human and I'm proud of it. Soul of a soldier, heart of a scholar. I wrote this poem with the blood of a martyr. 

Come on, you can trust me... there's room on the floor and more in the front seat. The stuff in the trunk is just drugs and punk zines, no I've never driven, and yes, death becomes me

I used to say today sucks, I hope it gets better
Now I think life is like the dopest shit ever 

I'm livin' the way I wanna and doing the best I can, plus a lot of people wanna break out the nooses, pull down the sun and charge everybody to use it

You're such a greedy bitch, you're such a hopeless queen that you don't know when you've been overthrown. You wanna fight for everything

Smart went crazy, truth went trendy. The story got lazy so I rewrote the ending. Manipulated the entry, more user friendly. Now a city full of pain pills and tattoos defend me. I waver from the dead to the half dead, grey space between the fan base and the crackhead.

I don't miss you but I remember you. You taught a lesson and for that I give you gratitude. I'm such a mess with love and sex but I don't fuck around with my best friends ex.

Same shit; yesterday was like today
only difference is that I trust even less of what you say 

How many seats will the rock bottom accommodate? One too many people who share nothing but views. Misery is willing to keep company with those who don't ever walk a mile in their own shoes

That voice, that voice is my constant awakening on the hour. Every hour I spring to a 90 degree angle in a cold sweat, returning to that not so comfortable self esteem. It's next to nothing. Nonexistent security tugs at my soul and makes me think more about my self worth. I splash water on my face to try and wash away my disconnections. This infection is killing me slowly, slip back in my slumber only to hear it once again

Lately almost without blinking, storms have rolled into town.
Baby, you know I've been thinking
I'd be a mess without you now 

We all know that life can get hectic but if you live in this second, you exist in the present and that's how you stay connected through good times and hardships if you learn to just accept it and know that every struggle in life is there to teach you a lesson. It's times like this that make you. It's always the darkest part of the night right before the sun has it's breakthrough. The spirit's there to knock you down, but if you make that the end, you'll never know the beauty of being able to stand up again and face it with patience. The basis is dealing with judgments and hatred, depressed hopeless feelings. But I've been told you only create your own ceiling and life is limitless and knowing this is what the spirit is.

I am worthy, not worthless. 
I deserve this 

That rush, that drug, that dope, those pills, that crumb, that roach. Thinkin' I would never do that, not that drug. And growing up nobody ever does until you're stuck, lookin' in the mirror like I can't believe what I've become. Swore I was goin' to be someone. And growing up everyone always does. We sell our dreams and our potential to escape through that buzz. Just keep me up, keep me up

We've been lovers and strangers and friends who get angry. Made mistakes and amends and brief moments of magic. We forgive and forget and give in to attraction. This whole thing depends on amnesia and madness. And I'd be leaving for good, I'd be looking for better. But I got this broken habit I keep gluing back together

"To progress as a person but as an individual entity and them come together as a unit but still maintain that identity."

So fuck you and your lies baby, show no shame. The same shit yesterday was like today. Only difference is, I trust even less of what you say. But all in all I still make the noise, I still break the toys, I still hate your voice.

I talk way too fast, I shoot from a glass. I keep Pope in the glovebox, Plath on the dash. And there's nobody shotgun. I got enough gas to get to Vegas by daybreak. I'm not coming back.

Well I don't, don't need, need, need to know, but there's a set of my keys left under your door and if you need a place to sleep tonight, well, that's what family's for. And I don't need, need, need to know, but I'd put on my best fresh little black dress and go get seen tonight, work on that alibi of yours.

and I'm too polite to accuse you
Of being where you've been tonight 

We are made from chemicals but what holds us together is much more than that. You are strong, so much stronger than me. All along because you are everything and I am nothing.

I like to think that I can work it out some
But I want to be put into the ground 

I learned a lot about falling in love when I fell out of love. I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. Well I played with fire, I burned it all down. I've made more mistakes than you can count

Knowing that you're so close only hangs me up again. Suffice to say the price I pay won't matter in the end. This is something I can't even talk about with friends. I'll pass it off

I'll never hold you back and I won't force my will. I will no longer do the devil's wishes, something I read on a dollar bill.

You've always been cunning with those brave escapes but take a minute now, think this through. Give it a second and a bird's eye view. Think of the moments you've got left to lose. Like how much time are you really down to do?

It's the art of finding out everything you wanted to know. It's the art of getting everything you wanted from me. It's the art of laying low, leave all your friends wondering where you've been. It's the art of letting me down, and you perfected that. You swore that everything was fine.

In crisis, the type of person you're with is fully revealed. 

Can I be enough? Can we ever talk about us? I know you're right, I see it in your eyes with my crystal vision and I'm underwhelming. But I've got a feeling.

I'm changing my mind, I'm doing fine
I'm getting better learning how to survive. 

Don't worry brother, this will blow over. Don't worry brother, anything less is fucking surrender

Lean in just a little bit. Tell your friends you're getting sick, tell your new band that you quit. Tell your best friends how to live. Tell your baseball coach you're sorry that you quit. Tell the sun that you want to live on it.

There's room on the floor and more in the front seat
The stuff in the trunk is just drugs and punk zines
No, I've never driven, and yes, death becomes me 

We all see things differently through our own eyes. To anyone I may have hurt in the past, I apologize. I didn't realize the pain that my actions caused

Never know the abilities that you possess until you find yourself and lay all assumptions to rest

I will never be you and you will never be me, but I'm like whatever, we can work together and see, and all we need is the sun and some water for this tree, and we can all get free, even I can get free.

In this lifetime you don't have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself. And after what you've gone through, if you haven't done that by now, it ain't ever gonna happen

Some change for the better, some change for the worse, sometimes it's too late to change and put our lives in reverse. Just try to drive as far as possible before we're out of gas and hope our future actions outweigh the ones in the past

They may say I'm just a dreamer, well at least I'm thinkin' while I'm sleepin' cause the last thing I can do is nothing at all. They may say we'll never win against 'em. I say fuck you and your cynicism. As for me, I can't do nothin' at all

Wake up, water in the face
Wake up buttercup, acid in the face
We're just trying to get you to wake up 

I can't make you love me any more or any less. I can't make you relate to the problems I manifest.I can't make you understand the reasons for my stress. All I can do is promise that I'll try to do my best.

When I focus on the pain, this is what I crave, what I hate.

I've been really into underground hip hop lately, like Immortal Technique and Murs and Jedi Mind Tricks. It's actual rappers with fucking amazing lyrics. I'm particularly entranced with the song The Cause of Death by Immortal Technique. It gives me the chills every time I listen to it :O

Your dogs can bark for you, but you gotta watch when you argue. Cause dogs will bite and snarl at you, just to remind you they're harmful.

Now there's reasons the weak of will never dream or believe before they leap, they concede to defeat and agree to retreat.

My choice is now mandatory and not optional, don't speak another sentence to me, ever mention me. I don't exist, convince yourself you invented me. You've committed the crime of the century and just cause loyalty ain't a trait you possess. Don't think that I'll lessen the penalty.

I'm sorry that you're so sorry all the time

Sometimes I hate everyone and everything, to the world itself. Even though I'm the portrait of health and been blessed with many things.

Okay, plan B. Just panic. Run up the stairs and shut the door to the attic and don't come up for air until you're torn from her fabric completely. And just like magic, you're all in one piece again. But, I'm noting like I used to be... elusive and reclusive. Now I'm just both times a hundred... exclusively.

My, what a pitiful state of affairs this is. When you're simultaneously ready to die and scared to exist

And it didn't matter that the latter part hadn't bothered him. Rather all the sadness that followed him as if it was a ball and chain, cause along the way his posture changed fraught with anger until he wouldn't respond when they called his name.

There are no mistakes
Only choices I have made
That in turn have taught me lessons 

It's like you had to pull the rug from underneath yourself to feel alive. I've seen the size of that painting in your mind and I can be the frame when it arrives.

I mix business with pleasure, something you shouldn't do. My aching body, what I put it through.

Playing the game of life, but there ain't no games in this painfulness, hope that I gain from this. If I go insane from this shamefulness, pray someone else gains from this.

There was love in the air, you should have took breaths... you know you should of.

My clicks tight and undivided yellin' fuck the silence. Cause I'd rather swallow my tongue than bite it. For you my love of forgiveness doesn't exist and so I drown you, in the water under the bridge.

"This is hate music, punch you in the face music, raise the murder rate music, put 'em in their grave music, and we make music for the insane to relate to it." Rhyme Asylum

My pupils dilate like Columbine killers with slow watches.

I'm torn between a devil and a saint, now there's countless doubts about myself embedded in my brain. And I'm going crazy surrounded by loved one's, but I'm the only person that I know that hates me.

Some trust in a holy father cause they were baptized; shame they need to fear god just to act right.

The meaning of life remains an unanswered question. So learn from your mistakes in the past and present. Now humanity is over powered by the forces of evil. Cause over the years, god's become less important to people. Destination's off the rails, livin' life, committing crimes. I ended up locked in jail, using, guns and knives, ruining tons of lives. It's like there's a permanent black cloud over these London skies.

Sometimes the road to the truth is so elusive it's confusing, and reality becomes illusion. If I showed the masses where we was at or where we was going, I'd shatter the social balance of the world as we know it.

The early worm gets the big bite by little birdie
the early bird gets chased and caught by the cat
watch your back little bird because im up from my nap 

Don't forget where you come from, don't die holding onto your words. Cause you know that you've got a whole world to change, but understand who you've got to change first.

Now every face tells a different story, a different message. Now how can we judge the book when we don't know the beginning? We don't know what turned 'em on to the bottle or started injecting. We just see dirty clothes and another bum begging. What about the kid who was an addict the second his mom was pregnant or the young girl who was raped and stripped up, everything sacred, who now stands downtown walkin' on the block pacing, cause the only way she knows how to make it, is getting naked.

And if your life truly flashes in front of you when you die, just know the best time of my life has been loving you.

Remember that if you really didn't believe you'd succeed, then you wouldn't have tried at all. So, jump regardless of the consequence. Cause even on the night of the apocalypse, everybody's an optimist. 

Empty brandy bottles spilled on the forgotten memories
Know I gotta let 'em go, I'm just too selfish to set it free 

I've seen oxycontin take three lives, I grew up with them, we used to chief dimes. I've seen cocaine bring out the demons inside. Cheating and lying, friendship cease, no peace in the mind. Stealin' and takin' anything to fix the pieces inside. Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere. Only motivation for what the dealer's supplying. That rush, that drug, that dope, those pills, that crumb, that roach. Thinkin' I would never do that, not that drug. And growing up, nobody ever does. Until you're stuck lookin' in the mirror, like I can't believe what I've become. Swore I was goin' to be someone and growing up, everyone always does. We sell our dreams and our potential to escape through that buzz. Just keep me up, keep me up.

It's time like this that make you, it's always the darkest part of the night right before the sun has its break through. The spirit's there to knock you down, but if you make that the end, you'll never know the beauty of being able to stand up again and face it with patience, the basis is dealing with judgments and hatred, depressed hopeless feelings, but I've been told you only create your own ceiling and life is limitless and knowing this is what the spirit is.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all. Here I rest where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night.

Scratch underneath the surface, where does your purpose lie?
It seems our will is worthless, like we're pawns beneath the sky

Over the phone, it's good to know we're not alone with all the broken parts in the world and our own. The sleeping ache. All the messes that we make. Sound, you can count on me to come around when you break.

Illuminati or whatever the fuck they go by, they're the reason weird shit happens and we don't know why

I beg your pardon, Mr. President, but I'm a resident. And since you've been in office, I haven't seen any evidence of things changing.

We all know that life can get hectic, but if you live in the second, you exist in the present and that's how you stay connected through good times and hardships, if you learn to just accept it and know that every struggle in life is gonna teach you a lesson.

Take these words home and think it through. For all those who wanna profile and pose, these words might be about you. Don't make me have to call your name out

I don't know it's like you ever wish you had amnesia, you know like you can forget whoever it was that. Ruined it for everyone else that one person if you can just forget them, like you would have a happier life.

I keep on forgetting to remember to forget all the lies and all the bullshit, all the reasons that we had to call it quits. Pieces to our puzzle that never seemed to fit. Started out fast and ended so quick. For weeks on end I was so sick, so the next time I start to reminisce, remind me to remember to forget.

Don't mean to break your concentration if it's any consolation, I was thinkin' me and you could make the perfect constellation. 

They say I'm only good when the session is depressing. So I crucify myself so that you can learn a lesson. They say I'm at my best when I'm at the most stressed out, it's like I only see success when I'm wrestling with doubt

With new success then, you lose affection. With friends you choose, you should use discretion. Friends become enemies and jealousy is an energy that used to be love and love is too finicky. Tendencies is so suicidal, talking bullets out the chamber with each of my recitals.

I run this house, I'm dumbin' out, I can make your girl come, keep my tongue in my mouth

Let's never meet and regret a past endeavor. What we have is rare indeed and guaranteed to last forever. We'll always wonder but the truth is irrefutable. The way it is now is so painful and beautiful

Did I leave your mind when I was gone? It's not my thing trying to get back, but this time, let me tell you where I'm at

And, a, and a wise man told me, man, like ("You don't have to worry cause I'm coming") Life is like a table, full of like glasses of water. ("Back to where I should have always stayed") And your job is to keep 'em all full. You know what I'm sayin', so everyone's happy ("And now, I've heard the maybe to your story") But at the same time, you gotta keep your pitcher full of water so you could fill everybody else up ("And it's enough love") and it's like ("For me to stay"), damn!

cause love is about progress
not perfection 

You know, I try to make my tomorrow's better than my yesterday's. Without, without hurting anyone else in the process. Cause if you leave the world a better place then it was when you got here, then we all win... we all win!

I thought I lost you, with no one to talk to. But you're the one that open up these doors that I walk through. I can't fault you, only forgive you. I'm the only one that seen the pain that you been through. The drama, the struggle that built all your issues. Can it be I stayed away too long?

it wasn't love at first sight but i made you love me, know you couldn't be happier that you gave it to me

You're insecure, a little unsure, don't know how to deal with the feelings so pure. It's called love, it's joy and pain. But you gotta take some risk to enjoy the game.

I know I'll never get you back again. I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry. I am who I am because of you. I'm sorry for the pain I put you through. Maybe it's all just a dream, but you're still a part of me.

I don't know what to do, so I drown in my drink. It helps to numb the pain, cause when I sit and think about it. Eyes get clouded, thoughts get crowded, thoughts get clouded. So I'ma sit right here, wait for you to talk about it

Thought of missing you again last night till I remembered all the reasons that your ass loved to fight. It's like dude, I really wanted this to work, but you gotta get your shit together first. What's worse, I really wanted you to stay but I needed you to leave

Now I used to walk with the gun, now I walk like a man. And I walk what I talk and I walk, never ran. And I never say never but I mean hardly ever. And if shooting is the solution, then you're not that clever. If you don't know shit, then you still know better. Human life is so precious, it could never be measured.

"Getting rid of negativity and pretentious self absorbed people just brings the opportunity to build with more positive like minded individuals."

I used to wonder about people who didn't believe in themselves. But then I saw the way they portrayed us to everyone else. They cursed us to only see the worst in ourselves, blind to the fact the whole time we were hurting ourselves.

Yeah, you got your heart broke, life sucks, doesn't it?
But you shouldn't fuck up someone else's life because of it 

You don't want to initiate a resolution to all of this. You're using your insecurities to secure you. You entangle yourself in your pain to hide. Are you going to wait until it chokes you or will you just swallow your pride?

Don't you know that time waits for no man? Not fate, it's all planned. I'm blessed just to know you, to have loved and I've lost just to hold you all night

I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to keep it, every label you've been given is a shadow drowning in denial.